Why are we fighting about the same old shit.
According to couples therapy researcher Howard Markman, there are three themes that underpin conflict in relationship. When we identify these dynamics – based on an unmet need, vulnerability or bias – we can better manage arguments and their resolution.
The 3 hidden dynamics driving conflicts in relationships.
Why do we find ourselves in the same fights over and over again? These repeated conflicts can speak to a broader dynamic – a need, vulnerability or bias that is activated or unresolved. Couples therapy researcher Howard Markman defines three ‘hidden dimensions’ that underpin how and why we fight.
1. Power & Priorities
Arguments centred on power dynamics - who has the decision-making power or whose priorities matter most.
Fights can sound like:
“Why are you spending money like that?”
“I wish you wouldn’t stay out so late”
“We only have sex the way you like”
2. Care & Closeness
Where a need for intimacy and connection isn’t met, trust is questioned or care is neglected.
Unmet needs can sound like:
“You never touch me anymore”
“You don’t want to have sex with me”
“We don’t do nice things together”
3. Respect & Recognition
Partners may question whether their ideas or contributions are valid - are they seen, heard or supported.
Arguments can sound like:
“Am I ever going to meet your parents?”
“Why do I have to do all the cleaning?”
“You don’t value my work”
When we understand these dynamics we can work towards managing conflict with less anger, more understanding & potential for resolution.