Why are we fighting about the same old shit.

According to couples therapy researcher Howard Markman, there are three themes that underpin conflict in relationship. When we identify these dynamics – based on an unmet need, vulnerability or bias – we can better manage arguments and their resolution.

The 3 hidden dynamics driving conflicts in relationships.

Why do we find ourselves in the same fights over and over again? These repeated conflicts can speak to a broader dynamic – a need, vulnerability or bias that is activated or unresolved. Couples therapy researcher Howard Markman defines three ‘hidden dimensions’ that underpin how and why we fight.

1. Power & Priorities

Arguments centred on power dynamics - who has the decision-making power or whose priorities matter most.

Fights can sound like: 

  • “Why are you spending money like that?”

  • “I wish you wouldn’t stay out so late”

  • “We only have sex the way you like”

2. Care & Closeness

Where a need for intimacy and connection isn’t met, trust is questioned or care is neglected.

Unmet needs can sound like: 

  • “You never touch me anymore”

  • “You don’t want to have sex with me”

  • “We don’t do nice things together”

3. Respect & Recognition

Partners may question whether their ideas or contributions are valid - are they seen, heard or supported.

Arguments can sound like: 

  • “Am I ever going to meet your parents?”

  • “Why do I have to do all the cleaning?”

  • “You don’t value my work”

When we understand these dynamics we can work towards managing conflict with less anger, more understanding & potential for resolution. 

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Using therapy vernacular to intimidate or manipulate your partner is never okay. Know the difference.