Using therapy vernacular to intimidate or manipulate your partner is never okay. Know the difference.

Controlling behaviour is not a boundary. Jonah Hill’s text thread has everyone talking, where frameworks from therapy (i.e. setting ‘boundaries’) were used to justify abusive and dangerous behaviour. Read through as we differentiate between controlling and healthy boundary setting.

Controlling Behaviour

Relates to actions imposed on others re: what they can or can’t do.

E.g. “I don’t want you spending time with those people”

Controlling behaviour is based on power, control and manipulation and places responsibility on the other to restrict their behaviour

E.g. “If you wear that, I won’t speak to you”

This behaviour can also be threatening or manipulative as it reduces autonomy and can destabilise relationships

E.g. “If you love me, you’ll delete those images from Instagram”

Boundaries

Are actions or limits we’re willing to take or set to keep ourselves safe and healthy.

E.g. “I need some time on my own to regroup and rest”

Boundaries should be based on respect, safety and autonomy and they should accept personal responsibility and expresses needs in a healthy way.

E.g.  “I’m feeling vulnerable and jealous and I’m working on it in therapy / in my own time”

They are a personal limit and should empower individual choice and allow for mutual growth.

E.g. “I like to catch up with my friends without interruptions so I won’t respond to texts straight away.”