'I love my partner but don't feel like having sex with them. Is this normal?'
Read the full article on News in the Body + Soul section here.
It's more common than you might think. Maintaining sexual interest in long-term relationships can be challenging for many of us, but it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.
Sex at the start of a relationship is memorable. The long sex-filled nights, the impossibility of keeping hands off each other, the impulse and yearning to touch this new person. But as the intimacy of long-term love sets in, the fire can fizzle out.
It is predictably - and statistically - normal to go through periods where you’re not having sex as often as you’d like. Relationships are complex and ever-evolving, and so is our desire for sex.
It's common for couples to face a situation where they find themselves in a predicament: they deeply love and care for one another but no longer feel the insatiable desire to tear each other's clothes off. So is it normal that you're not having sex? Can love and low sexual desire coexist harmoniously? Yes, it is, and yes it can. Here are a few things to keep in mind.
Understanding sexual desire
I frequently refer to the pioneering work of Emily Nagoski, author of Come as You Are who has changed the way we understand sexual desire. According to Nagoski, sexual desire is a multifaceted and dynamic phenomenon influenced by a wide range of factors, both internal and external. These factors interact in complex ways, making it essential to recognise that changes in sexual desire are a normal part of the human experience.
Nagoski emphasises that sexual desire is not a simple on-off switch but a complex interplay of various components, including sexual arousal, emotional connection, stress levels, relationship dynamics, and personal experiences. So we can’t just sit around and wait for our desire to reappear - we have to start with some self-inquiry.
Learning what turns you on and off
Nagoski introduces the Dual Control Model, which pretty much works to explain sexual desire as having two components: sexual excitation (what turns us on) and sexual inhibition (what turns us off). While sexual excitation can be triggered by factors like arousal and attraction, sexual inhibition is influenced by external stressors, emotional states, and relationship dynamics.