A sex coach on how to have the best one-night stand.
It’s okay to be loud, to be curious, to explore new things you’ve never dared to try.
My favourite ever one-night stand was with a man I met in Sydney. I was on a weekend away with one of my best friends. She’d been to Sydney heaps of times and I’d never been. She told me she was going to take me to a restaurant that would change my life. The stakes were high.
We missed our flight, got drunk at the airport and paid far too much to get the last two seats on the only other flight that was leaving Melbourne that night. But it was all worth it.
The night after we arrived, my friend ushered me down a red velvet spiral staircase into a French restaurant that did end up rocking my world. It was as though I’d been transported to a corner of my own imagination –white-suited waiters, live jazz music, champagne, oysters, melted wax candles – complete sexy mystique. We ate a range of tartares served by an extremely handsome man with a moustache and suspenders. I was in heaven.
Fast-forward five hours and we’re at the only late-night bar in Sydney that serves drinks and food past 1am. The man with the moustache who served us earlier appeared out of nowhere. “You!” he said, pointing directly at me and walking up to us in the line. “Come with me.”
He took us inside, said hi to the security guards at the door and bought us a round of drinks. Only half an hour earlier I’d contemplated going home because I was uncomfortably full and tired from the night before. I was glad I stayed out.
We were dancing, drinking and just generally having a great time. My friend was off kissing some young guy. The handsome moustache man was grabbing my waist. “I really want to kiss you,” he said. “Not here,” I replied. I was still at a stage where PDA made me irk.
So he grabbed my hand and took me home. We sat up in his house and drank chardonnay, listened to great vintage records and had sex everywhere possible. He was recently out of a relationship and sexually hungry. I hadn’t had first-time sex with a stranger that had felt so connected before. We exchanged numbers and I flew back to Melbourne the next day. We had sex a few more times when he came to visit, each time equally as enjoyable, explorative and caring as the last.
Until that point, I had a bit of a jaded idea of what it meant to have a one-night stand. I feared that engaging in them would make me ‘easy’ or label me a ‘slut’ and I didn’t know how I felt about that. I wasn’t yet at a stage where I was proud and comfortable with sexual desire without emotional attachment.
“We live in a sex-negative culture and society,” says Normal’s in-house sex expert Georgia Grace. “The vast majority of our education around sex is that it’s a special thing you do when you’re married and you want to have kids… The social, political and cultural messages tell us that a one-night stand isn’t the way you should be having sex.”
This is more of a thing for women, Georgia adds. The sexual shame that is cast onto people who aren’t cis-men is still a very real and current issue within language surrounding sex and desire.
“Cis-men are portrayed as sexual beings; it’s part of them and their biology. Women and others who aren’t cis-males aren’t granted that same acceptance or validation for their sexuality. “This can even cause reverse shame for cis-men,” Georgia says. “They feel shame around preferring sex that is emotional and connecting with someone that they trust.”
But of course, one-night stands can be a super positive experience. One-night stands have played an integral role in my own sex positivity and confidence in the bedroom because they’ve allowed me to experiment and learn without pressure. One-night stands have been where I’ve learnt the most about myself in sex.
I’ve learnt how to have dialogue during sex that feels natural, I’ve learnt how to ask for what I like, how to gauge how someone else is feeling and what they like and how to push my own limits in a way that feels safe but still a little spicy. I’ve had to push through uncomfortable moments in order to ask important questions, and I’ve learnt how to be both dominant and submissive within sex and that you don’t have to label yourself and your desires.
In short, one-night stands have been pretty life-changing for me in terms of my own sexuality. “There are so many benefits to a one-night stand,” says Georgia. “It really depends on what you want from it and where you’re at in your sexual dynamic.” For example, if you’re just really horny and you don’t want a relationship. Or if you’ve recently come out of a relationship and are looking to have fun and vibe with some human connection.
“One-night stands can allow for a whole new way of experiencing sex and pleasure. While many of us still have this idea that sex needs to be emotionally connected, it can be a meaningful experience [to have] sex that isn’t emotionally charged,” Georgia offers.
“These environments offer a space for you to lower your inhibitions – where it’s okay to be loud, to be curious, to explore new things you’ve never dared to try. You can tap into your eroticism and indulge in what might be a fleeting moment of sexual intimacy and connection with someone foreign.”
But we get that one-night stands can be a little tricky too. Like many things when it comes to sex and desire outside of societal norms, it takes a little bit of learning and unlearning. Below, Georgia Grace weighs in with five ways to have a positive one-night stand.
Think about how you’re going to keep each other safe
One-night stands can be a little daunting for everyone involved, so thinking about how you’re going to keep each other safe creates a good environment for sexy success. “Have conversations around consent,” urges Georgia. “What are you excited about? What do you want to do, or not want to do? Talk about it.” From experience, this can actually be a super sexy way to get things started. Talking about sex usually leads to sex or something pleasure-focused.
Reflect on what you want from the experience
Before taking the one-night stand leap, Georgia says that it’s good to reflect on your intentions. “If you’re just out drinking and feeling yourself, feeling horny; that’s great. But it’s important to think about why you’re wanting to have sex.
“If you’re going out with the intention of drinking and getting laid, it’s important we’re aware of how drunk everyone is. And maybe to unpack the reasons why you want to get laid. It’s also good to remember that sex is rarely good when you’re drunk, especially with someone new.”
I’ve personally struggled to get wet or aroused when having a drunken one-night stand, and that’s totally normal. There’s no need to be hard on yourself, but it’s not worth doing just for the sake of it.
Get clear on comms
If this is a one-off thing, Georgia suggests we think about how to practise communication in the best way to give us a fulfilling experience. Be really direct, she says, because you’ve got to remember that this person is a stranger. “Don’t settle for things that aren’t hitting the spot… You can’t assume they know anything about your body. Or that you know anything about theirs. There is no harm in asking questions. You might learn something (about yourself or sex in general).”
Take time to build arousal
Quite simply, it takes time to get off. There’s no rush. “Hard and fast can be fun,” says Grace. “But don’t be afraid to take your time.”
Invest in aftercare
This is a big one. Ever had a one-night stand that left you feeling a little empty inside? Chances are, the aftercare wasn’t up to scratch. “Regardless of emotional connection, sex is a connecting experience of two bodies. Sex requires a level of physical vulnerability. It’s so important that we respect that.”
Aftercare can be practised in a few different ways. “Check in with them afterwards,” Georgia adds. “You can ask. ‘How was that for you?’, ‘Are we going to swap numbers?’, ‘Do you need a glass of water?’, ‘Do you want me to hold you?’.
“Aftercare doesn’t mean a relationship or any deep emotional investment. It’s simply having care for a human you’ve shared physical intimacy with. Especially if you’ve had an orgasm – some people get very real post-orgasm blues. It’s about kindness, respect and validating mutual experience.”
