5 Sex Myths I Hear All the Time
The 6 Most Common Sex Myths I Hear In Session. Masturbation, make-outs and going down… Here we debunk the six sex myths I hear most often.
Sex ends in orgasm. It goes without saying, you don’t need an orgasm to have great sex. In session, I talk about horizontalizing orgasm i.e. acknowledging that it is one great reason for having sex – but not the only reason. Instead, people may focus on other sex values like connection, pleasure, intimacy, trust, play, fun or touch. It’s so important to normalise the full spectrum of experience – to take a few seconds of peak pleasure out of the equation and focus on pleasure as a whole.
Our relationship is broken if we don’t want sex anymore. Not desiring sex doesn’t mean you and your partner are a mismatch. It’s entirely normal to experience an ebb and flow of desire throughout life – stress, hormones, sleep and the general mental load can all affect how ready and excited we feel about the prospect of sex. It’s useful to explore a few strategies for bringing sex back front-of-mind – you can check my previous posts on desire discrepancy for more.
That being said, if something feels not-quite-right to you, it’s a good idea to talk about it with your partner or speak to a trusted health practitioner.
Something’s wrong if you need lube. People use lube for all kinds of reasons. Despite how far the pleasure movement has come, lube is still viewed as a ‘medicine’ designed to solve the ‘problem’ of a dry vagina, and sadly some still feel embarrassed when they or their partner wants/needs lube. This is an outdated, reductive idea based on getting ‘wet enough’ for penetration (leaving out all kinds of erogenous zones and sexy ways to connect). Lube is your friend! Lube is there to make sex better! The simple act of adding lube can completely transform touch that is uncomfortable to something pleasurable and allows for extra glide over sensitive areas – externally and internally – whether you’re rubbing or touching someone’s genitals with your body or a toy, exploring other erogenous zones, and definitely for anal play.
And no, spit is not lube.
Masturbating with a toy desensitises genitals. Vibrators do not and cannot cause any desensitisation of genitals. They can’t rub away nerve endings or damage them in any way. Any suggestion of this is purely based on shame and stigma around the use of sex toys and masturbation.
If you’ve been masturbating the same way each time and start to experience feelings of numbness, take a break, mix up your routine and try something new - sensation will always return!
It’s bad to desire another person (who isn’t your partner). Even in satisfying, committed relationships, attraction to another is entirely normal. Desire is an evolving, exciting and dynamic part of our sensual self – it’s not a part of us that just ‘switches off’ when we find a partner. Whether it’s a barista, bartender or stranger walking down the street, experiencing a moment of longing or desire doesn’t make you an unfaithful person or partner – it just makes you human.
If you’re noticing an uptick in this desire for others, it may be worth some self-inquiry. How are you feeling in your current relationship? Are you craving novelty or newness, creativity or connection? These questions are perfect to work through with a relationship/sex therapist.
My genitals aren't normal. Spoiler alert: There’s no such thing as ‘normal’ genitals. Despite what social conditioning, porn and other cultural factors have us thinking – all genitals are different! There’s no right or wrong way for your genitals to look – in fact, there’s a huge amount of diversity that should be celebrated, not vilified.
Check out Betty Dodson’s incredible vulva illustrations for more on this.